My Reflections & Analysis of Modern Love’s “Take Me as I am, Whoever I am” as a Bipolar woman
The first time I stumbled across this series, believe it or not, I was in the midst of a full-blown manic episode, and absolutely clueless about it. My mood and experiences were almost identical to Lexi’s (Anne Hathaway’s character – Modern Love, Episode 3), yet the awareness that I had been manic, just like her, for the past two months had been blocked from my consciousness. For all I knew, I was just content with life, simply because the world was beautiful! I had never felt more like “myself” during those days. “I’m just living my best life!”, I would proclaim to anyone that would listen. The details are hazy, but I do recall sitting in bed, in my Toronto apartment at what must have been 3 AM on a weeknight (Pre-Covid Lockdowns). I had just binge-watched two episodes of the Modern Love series with no intention of stopping, I was so entranced by the story-telling.
Episode 3 began, and I was immediately introduced to a very enthusiastic Anne Hathaway. I adore Anne, she’s an exceptional actress, so my hopes for this episode were high from the start. Then as the opening scene progressed, and Anne pranced around the supermarket like it was a musical, I suddenly became very skeptical of the story. It seemed so fabricated, so Hollywood. I mean in comparison to the other memoir adaptations, the beginning of this one caught me off-guard. I was expecting something raw and vulnerable. The tone seemed really out of place. But I gave it a chance, I kept watching. Near the end of her opening monologue, Lexi finally admits “Okay, enough. This isn’t La La Land. I’m happy, but it’s still real life”. I was definitely relieved, (I was not in for a musical) and it sparked my interest even further. My first guess was that this would become a heart-wrenching story of an addict. Surely only drugs could bring that level of happiness, right? I watched as Lexi’s day unfolded from her encounters at the office, to her entrance into a charming, Brooklyn apartment. Then, without warning, Lexi’s happy demeanour faded. In a matter of seconds, she went from gleeful to suddenly miserable. I was shocked. There was something about her dazed and confused look that felt familiar yet so unknown to me, I couldn’t understand it.
I was sobbing by the end of the episode. I so deeply felt her pain when she hit her lows. I had endured several intense, depressive periods since my late teens. Those months had me traumatized, but I didn’t need to process the pain, because I would always feel better eventually. Little did I know, “feeling better” was an illusion devised by my own brain. I hadn’t overcome my depression, in fact I hadn’t done anything. My new and improved outlook on life was not a result of my pursuit for happiness, I was just manic and didn’t know it. In mania, my mind not only convinced me that I was healthy but that I had instantaneously flourished into the best version of myself; a goal most spend a lifetime pursuing. In depression, my mind was convinced that happiness is unattainable, assuring me it was a state that I would never deserve or see again. I would have the same notions about life in every high, and then the lows would creep in and I had no recollection of the highs, until I hit them again..it’s a vicious cycle of self-sabotage. And no matter how hard I tried to be self-aware of my patterns, my brain found a way to maintain my cluelessness.
A very rocky, year or so later, I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It’s been 7 weeks since I got started on mood stabilizers. I wish this was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel for me, but I know there’s much more to come. I am still processing my diagnosis, I’m perplexed by the severe conditions my brain put me in and how unaware I had been the whole time. This diagnosis is extremely overwhelming, but I’m hopeful therapy will ease the emotional burden that comes with it. Currently, I’m undergoing rapid mood cycles. They hit unexpectedly, for a few hours at a time, within the same day. This experience is so far from the mood shifts I’ve known, those would last for months at a time. These are short, but they bring their own layer of complexity, confusion and frustration. But I refuse to let the disorder inflict any more pain on me because for once I am actually equipped for the battle.
In light of my recent diagnosis, I knew I had to re-watch this particular episode and so last week, I watched it again, and again..and again. I want to say it changed my life, but I guess the more accurate way of describing it is that my world changed and now it has become one of the most significant piece of film in my life. It’s a good portrayal of what it’s like to live with my brain. But, I want to emphasize not everybody’s experience of the disorder are the same. The euphoric feelings I experienced could instead be feelings of paranoia, hostility, rage and aggression for somebody else. It’s important to understand that this is a “close” portrayal for me but not necessarily for others that live with the disorder.
So, now that I have the insight to fully understand and appreciate my attachment to this episode, I’ve decided to use the scenes as a navigation tool to help me reflect on some aspects of Lexi’s story that reminded me of my own experience with the disorder.
Scene 1 — The Peach Encounter
Re-watching this scene after accepting my diagnosis is an entirely different experience. The producers’ artistic decision to bring a theatric element to this scene no longer elicits negative feelings, in fact I think it’s brilliant. From the perspective of someone like me experiencing mania, the world is a stage and you are the lead actor. Even in the field of psychiatry, a common phrase to describe aspects of mania is that “you feel like you’re on top of the world”. And this is an accurate way of describing my own perspectives during a manic state but the feeling also holds true for others around me. I recall friends admitting to me that it truly seemed like I was living life to the fullest and that they were almost jealous of it. Although, their perspective was a little skewed because they only sensed this from the snippets I would post on social media, which as we know already creates a false reality, there was some truth to it. The “crazy energized” aura as Jeff put it, or the extraordinary confidence people around me would describe it as was certainly alluring. It led to many new “friendships” and even more “dates”, none of which turned into anything significant though.
Then, there was the persistent hunger for adventure, especially after work. As Lexi put it “life’s just too interesting to sleep sometimes”. Now, I wouldn’t be up for three nights at a time but I would get very little sleep because of my late night rendezvous in Toronto. My spontaneity had no limits, every night I had a new, remarkably wild story to tell my coworkers. But I was never satisfied, and the impulses would always work against me. They would repeatedly shove me into unusual and unsafe predicaments. My need for stimulation was like a gaping hole that could never be filled — my brain wouldn’t allow it. I was literally unstoppable, no number of setbacks could suppress my appetite for adventure or ruin my mood. And it may sound enchanting, but believe me it comes with severe consequences.
Scene 2 — The Office
Oddly, rewatching this short clip of Lexi walking to work made me feel so exposed. This was me, everyday, making my way downtown to the office I was interning at. The artistic choice here to present Lexi dressed in vibrant colours as everyone around her is wearing dull, professional attire is very symbolic of how I felt on my commutes. I would always be slightly more done-up than anybody else in the office. Although, I undoubtedly am not a morning person, I had to wake up early enough to ensure there was time for a flawless, full-coverage makeup look. On my morning route to work via TTC Subway, I would examine people around me and wonder why they looked so dull and miserable. I guess I never thought to ask myself why I was so excitable and happy.
Scene 3— Confrontation at the Office
There’s a specific moment I connected with in this scene. It’s when Lexi is told she’s “too choosy” in her love life, by her coworker. Close friends have said similar things to me in the past few years. There’s a reason why no one could keep up with my romantic affairs and it’s something that only became obvious to me recently. They would all occur during my manic phases. The impulsive drive to jump from one thrill to the next didn’t only impact my activities, it also impacted my relationships. There was always an outburst of passion at the early stages of meeting someone and it would progress the connection at a rapid pace until eventually I would burn out and my attraction would fade. Then of-course, someone new would come along to reignite the flames until their inevitable expiry.
Scene 4— “This is where the problem starts..”
Lexi’s inner monologue in this scene about not knowing what kicks off her mood shifts is something I understand too well and likely a detail that was missed by people that haven’t experienced it. Truthfully, I don’t remember the moments I would come off of a manic or depressive episode from the past. I feel I had windows in between, where I sensed I was slipping into one, but they weren’t as clear as Lexi’s. Her disoriented feeling is something I didn’t relate to until recently when I was experiencing mood shifts within the same day. The confusion about not knowing “what kicks it off” was a thought that would also weigh on me. It would happen so suddenly, that I was sometimes convinced my worries subconsciously triggered a depressive period and when I’d start to think about an optimistic thought like my hopes for the future it felt as if I triggered a manic state. But it’s all speculation, there’s no way to be sure and I don’t know of any studies that have proved it to be psychological. But it’s comforting to me that she pondered the same thing, despite being aware that it’s not something that is in her control.
Final Scene — Coming Out to Friends..
I think I’m not alone when I say, this was one of the most emotional scenes in the episode. Lexi’s come out as Bipolar to her coworker and good friend, a truth she’s hidden most of her life. Near the beginning of their chat, her coworker questions her involvement with Jeff and Lexi explains that it didn’t work out. Her coworker says something to imply that Lexi’s just “too young”, that’s why settling down is not of serious concern to her. Lexi winced but calmly responded “I guess it looks like that”. I sensed the frustration in her voice. I’m familiar with people making insensitive remarks about me when they were unaware of my condition. Unfortunately, I still sometimes get discouraging comments from people even after opening up about my disorder. I can understand that it would take a lot of emotional regulation for someone to do what Lexi did in these conditions. Nonetheless, this is all very new to me, and yes, I do become irritated when people make certain types of comments towards me. But I’ve learned to alleviate the negative feelings by reminding myself they’re just misinformed and their words are not ill-intentioned.
It’s difficult for me to reflect on where I stand in my relationship with others. My friends have seen me in my manic and depressed states, and not known. Whether it’s the assumptions that were made about me, or the tarnished relationships, is confessing the truth of my disorder enough to reach an understanding? This is where I can’t fully connect to Lexi’s story because I’m not afraid of the word “bipolar”, what I fear is that I will still be misunderstood. It’s not easy to separate myself from all the heavily engrained stigma and misconceptions about what it means to be bipolar. With that being said, I hope with time it becomes easier to educate people about the depths of this disorder and help those that knew the two different versions of me, appreciate who I am now, as a whole.
I must also admit that some of the issues displayed in this episode, as heart-breaking as they are, barely scratch the surface. There is a certain glamorous appeal to Lexi’s mania that may mislead those who haven’t personally experienced anything like it. Granted that the motivation behind this decision was to stay true to the feelings of someone experiencing mania, there’s still an unintended lack of emphasis on the euphoric state’s negative impact on life. It didn’t explore in depth the ways in which a manic person can undo their hard-earned life’s work whether it’s career, family ties, close friendships or romantic relationships in a matter of days or months. It didn’t delve into the likeliness of a manic person being driven into dangerous and life threatening situations, often resulting in trouble with the law, substance abuse issues, sexual assault and a variety of other serious problems. Not to mention, the blow to one’s self-esteem.
I remember the moments I would come off of the manic state and into what seemed like a short window of “self-awareness” where I could reflect on the humiliating things I had done, before being driven into what felt like an eternal depression yet again. Keep in mind that this disorder feeds off of a chemical imbalance in the brain that severely impairs judgement, thus the only way to get diagnosed is through external intervention. So, even in the moments I would claim to be “self-aware”, I never truly was. While I was unmedicated, I always had a hunch that there was something missing in the many misdiagnoses I had received from professionals only I didn’t have the capacity to understand back then. My desperation to get to the root of the problem, yielded countless hours of research on a variety of different types of mental illnesses and disorders yet I still managed to overlook the most obvious one..bipolar disorder. The mysteriousness of the ways in which my brain impairs my judgement amazes me and also terrifies me.
Nonetheless, my intentions are not to criticize the writing behind this episode because the source is as authentic as it comes. The episode was an adaptation of a memoir written by a bipolar woman, and her intent was mainly to express the difficulties of maintaining a love life with this disorder. After all, this memoir was published in The New York Times’ relationship column and I greatly admire the courage it must have taken to reveal personal details about the disorder’s impact on her life.
One a side note, the rapid mood swings I mentioned I was experiencing as I wrote the introduction of this piece have reached a lull since I recently added a tiny, antipsychotic pill to my assortment of daily medications. I am relieved to admit that for the first time in years, my mood swings are easily managed..at-least for now, the future is always uncertain.
I was manic and blissfully unaware of it, I was depressed and felt deeply ashamed of it — I was and still am manipulated by my chemically distorted brain. It dictates who I am, how I feel and what I do. The battle to regain control of your mind does not end when you’re given the diagnosis in fact it’s only the beginning. I don’t know when I’ll find my “perfect cocktail of pills” like Lexi did, but the sheer resilience of Terri Cheney — the woman Lexi’s character was based on — gives me hope that day-by-day I will become better at taming the merciless beast that’s captured my mind.
